What I Want My Son to Know About Porn

-By Guest Blogger: Sarah Macedo-

Porn and I have had a weird relationship, to say the least. My first memories of seeing anything labeled x-rated must be from when I was eight or nine years old. My next door neighbor and I would sneak a look at her mother’s Victoria’s Secret catalog, if you even consider that x-rated. We would act out sexy dances, and decide which girl we each wanted to be, since they were all wearing lingerie, which we had none of, of course.

I slowly upgraded to Cathouse, the HBO series documenting the real life sex work of women at a legal brothel in Nevada, run by the late Dennis Hoff. I didn’t have a TV in my room, so I had to wait until the cover of darkness and watch in the living room, praying to whatever god there was that my parents would not walk in and see me touching myself. 

When I finally got my own laptop at age 23, the world was mine, and I was able to masturbate in private, praise be. The thing was, I carried so much shame around porn use, and not to mention most porn depicting fat women (I identify as fat) was degrading, so I typically searched through the “reality porn” category, since it seemed most “real” to me at the time.

While my parents never explicitly said that porn was bad, it was more of the larger cultural narrative that surrounded porn use,  that permeated my thoughts about it. For people with vulvae, it is not typically marketed to us, so it wasn’t a reality I felt a part of.

Thinking of this now, as an adult and particularly as a parent, I am formulating ways that I can communicate with my son about pornography and its uses. I honestly do not even know where to begin or when’s the ideal time to start, to be honest with you. Is it something that I would bring up at the dinner table, like, “Hey kiddo, so what kind of porn are kids into these days?” or “What is your take on hentai porn?” I mean obviously that is not ideal, and I wouldn’t want to embarrass him, but I am starting from square one here, so I have to cut myself some slack.

The great thing is though, I have found such a supportive community in Sex Positive Families, and the resources they offer. Having references to link up to is a great place to start, and also a reminder that I am not alone on this pursuit.

I have come to understand that the biggest hurdle is my own reckoning with porn use. How can I be comfortable sharing well-rounded information about porn, if I am still reckoning with my own feelings and perceptions of it? Like most things, it begins with me. I like to think of something I read in a random book many years ago, “It’s the journey to educating oneself, not the education itself, that matters.” So I figure I am doing the best I can with what I have.

Take a look around you, and you have undoubtedly noticed that most young people have smartphones. With that small device they have access to all the free porn in the world and can look at it at any time of the day. I am keenly aware that whether my son has a phone or not, he will come across porn sooner rather than later. He is 11 months old right now, so we have some time yet before I have to break the news to him. 

While it is wonderful in the way that he will have access to pleasure at will, in the privacy of his own room, there are certain things he should know before he proceeds.

I fear that if I do not engage in meaningful conversation with him about pornography that he will turn to it for his own sex education, and make assumptions about men, women, sex and bodies. If my son can one day understand that there are real folks behind the screen of the porn he may one day watch, then he must be educated on his usage. The dangers of becoming detached and unaware of one’s surroundings are real, and I see my job as his mother to help guide him along his own sexual exploration. 

I also want him to understand that when people engage in sexual acts in real life, sometimes they fart, sometimes they laugh, and both are okay! I mean, when was the last time you saw a porn clip of someone farting or laughing because they fell off the bed? Probably never. Although if you have, send it my way.

Another aspect I want him to know about is ethical porn. It is something I have only recently just come across in the last year, so I am still learning myself. I want him to understand, especially as a person with a penis, that most of the free porn he will have access to is typically made for the male gaze, and often women are left out of the dialogue all together. The focus is not on the women’s pleasure, and typically makes orgasms the end goal of sexual activity via penetrative sex. Of course my conversations with him will be age-appropriate but ultimately I hope they will lead up to this. 

There are several feminist run businesses out there right now that are women-run and showcase an array of body types, skin colors, genders, and sexualities. They, like others similar to it, require users to pay a fee to watch its content. This allows them to pay their workers fairly, and ensure their performers are treated ethically.

If he understands that sex work is like any other job out there, he will hopefully treat and view it, and those who choose that work, with respect. I figure if I give him information, and engage him in dialogue around porn and sex work, he can make more informed decisions and feel less stigma than I did growing up. Truly I want him to know that no matter what kind of job people do they are deserving of respect, dignity, and a safe space to do that work.  

Sex isn’t this perfectly mapped out escapade, like the larger porn industry would have people believe. It is a multifaceted activity that looks, smells, and feels different for everyone.

I am sure there will be parents/caregivers who may disagree with me, and that is okay. My job is to make sure that my son understands that he has the right to explore his body and sexuality fully and in as safe an environment as possible. If I have done that, then I will feel like I have succeeded. 

I don’t anticipate him talking to me about the porn he watched the night before, but I will be there if he has questions. If he understands that porn can be a way for him to explore his likes, dislikes, and express himself privately, then that is a success to me. Ultimately, his decisions around porn usage will be up to him. My goal is always the same– to be there when he needs me. This article is sponsored by our partners. hont watches is a professional and best replica watch online store.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sarah is a stay at home mom to one son and is currently pursuing her master’s degree in social work at California State University San Bernadino. Learn more about Sarah here.