5 Ways My Sex-Positive Upbringing Helped Me

-By: Aubrey Hanus-

Growing up in a sex-positive household was 樂威壯 something I took for granted as a kid, mainly because I didn’t know any other way. It was only until about late middle school that I began to realize the lack of sex education both in school and in the homes of most of my friends. Around the topics of sex, I witnessed a fear and shame that I’d never seen before. After participating in my 7^th grade sex education program, I really began to appreciate the wealth of knowledge and confidence I had gained from my sex-positive upbringing. Now as I begin my 20’s, full of adult relationships and making decisions on my own, I look back and can see five ways that growing up sex-positive has shaped my understanding of myself and the world around me:

Feeling empowered to explore my body as I saw fit

I was about 8 or 9 when my mom first started talking to me about masturbation. The very first time she said anything, I had no idea what she was talking about. The next time she brought it up about six months later though, I knew because my hand had recently started touching my vulva. That conversation laid down the pleasure foundation for me. From then on, I knew that I wasn’t weird, and that masturbation was something worth embracing. In my teen years, I chose to abstain from sex with others but knew I had masturbation to satisfy my urges. It was also a great stress-reliever and helped me fall asleep. When I decided to start having sex, I knew what to tell my partners when they asked how to make me feel good.

They may have seemed trivial then, but they are making a world of a difference now.

Learning how to put on a condom properly 

At the time, I thought my mom sitting me and my then boyfriend down to teach us how to put on a condom using cucumbers and bananas was quite embarrassing. I felt very vulnerable. I was thinking to myself, “Why doesn’t she just show us a video?”

A few months later when we decided to start having sex, I was very thankful to have the information. I felt comfort in knowing that the condom was put on correctly, which eased my anxiety associated with having sex for the first time. I knew that if something happened, it wouldn’t have been because we put it on wrong. It also made me feel empowered. I knew if I had sex with anyone else other than him that I would be in control of the situation. I felt comfort in knowing that I wouldn’t have to put my health in the hands of someone who may or may not be educated or experienced with putting a condom on correctly.

Confidently and intentionally waiting to have sex until I felt ready

Waiting to have sex until I was ready is something I am very proud of. Throughout high school, there were so many pressures from friends and partners to have sex. I had sexual urges, but I also didn’t want to risk pregnancy. I knew I had goals of going to college and pursuing a career in the medical field. Having a child at that time in my life was not a part of my dreams. My parents candidly spoke on their experience of having me when they were teens, so I always went back to that when I had a seemingly uncontrollable urge to have sex. Without my sex-positive upbringing, I am not sure if I would’ve been able to decide for myself when it was best for me to start having sex. I do know, however, that having it before I was ready would have likely been challenging for my physical and emotional well-being. 

Getting on birth control became my informed choice

When I was about 16, my mom first asked me if I wanted to get on birth control. I declined her offer because I knew I wasn’t sexually active then and that I wasn’t planning on having sex anytime soon. When I was 19, though, and started having sex, I knew I wanted to get on a form of birth control that was more consistent and reliable than condoms. I started collaborating with my boyfriend and exploring my options. I was already quite familiar with different forms of birth control because my mom had discussed them with me before. After researching, I figured out that I wanted to get a hormonal IUD. I approached my mom about it, and she was happy for me. She was very supportive, and I knew I could turn to her as needed. That was important to me.

Once I got the IUD, I started to feel a lot more at ease when having sex. My boyfriend and I don’t worry nearly as much as we used to about getting pregnant, which has significantly improved our sex life.

Being able to educate and inspire others

Having the knowledge my mom gave me allowed me to be a trusted sounding board and support to many of my friends who didn’t have adults talking to them. It wasn’t just peers that I had the ability to educate. About 6 months ago, while taking an Uber home from the movie theater, I started talking to the driver and found out that he had two teen daughters. One of which, is going off to college next year. I began telling him about Sex Positive Families when he asked me what my mom did for a living. He became more interested and wanted to know how to talk to his daughter about sex before she heads to college. He told me that he knew he should say something, but that he was afraid because he didn’t know how to approach the subject. He said he grew up in Africa where talking about sex is very taboo. I then started to explain the importance of having these conversations to prevent rape and sexual abuse, rather than using them to try to corral her from having sex. I witnessed a light bulb going off in his head. It was clear to me that my efforts to shift his perspective for the betterment of his daughter’s well being had worked. He finished the conversation by thanking me immensely for all of my help. Without my sex-positive upbringing, I know that interaction would not have been possible.

Without having grown up in a sex-positive way, I believe so many of my experiences would have turned out very differently. I’m much more confident and prepared to pursue exactly what I want related to my body and pleasure without any shame.

The benefits of parents having sexual health conversations with their children, as they grow, reach far beyond whether and when they have sex. Even if it’s uncomfortable, it’s important that kids know their parent is someone they can turn to and trust for talks like this. I hope these tidbits of my experiences motivate parents to get vulnerable with their kids and start or continue having the talks that support their sexual health. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Aubrey is a student and peer mentor at the University of Texas at San Antonio. She enjoys running and bullet journaling in her free time.