Having the Porn Talks

– By: Melissa Pintor Carnagey, LBSW

As parents and caring adults, we’re charged with keeping the children in our world safe. Safe as they navigate their day-to-day world, which also includes digital spaces. How do we do that in the age of online porn? 

The key is not to go silent. Porn has more influence when it’s not spoken about. Instead of taking a fear-based or reactive approach when considering how accessible online porn is to young people, this article will help you get clear about your influence and the opportunities to foster shame-free talks that open up the conversations with a child or teen in your world.⁠ 

When do I start?

Talks about sexualized media provide young people with the skills that increase their safety while online, and helps them have a critical lens for the content they come across. What begins early, like helping them understand how to use a device or what messages to take in when watching their favorite shows, all are a part of building blocks that lead up to future conversations about porn. 

There isn’t one set age to begin. Ideal times are:

• before the onset of puberty
• when a child has independent access to devices or the internet
• if they spend unsupervised time with peers or older teens 
• when they’re expressing curiosities about sexual health topics

For many families, this means starting talks before the age of 8. If you have a tween or teen, and haven’t begun the conversations, don’t worry, it’s not too late. Keep reading.

And if you’re raising an infant or toddler, don’t assume this isn’t for you. The earliest years of a child’s life, and even before becoming a parent or caregiver, are perfect times to prepare for future talks by asking yourself questions like, How do I define porn? How has sexualized media played a role in my life? What messages about sexualized media and porn do I want my child to understand over time? Aligning values and strategies with other caregivers in your child’s world as well can help you feel more prepared for the road ahead.

What can I say?

Like all other sexual health topics, the best approach is through many talks over time, not just one conversation. Youth often turn to the internet for answers because Google and porn won’t shame them for being curious. Staying open to a child’s questions and providing honest information keeps you an approachable touchstone. 

Though there isn’t one set script, here are a couple examples of language to use across the stages of development:

Elementary and Primary (Ages 4-10)

“It’s normal to be curious about bodies. If you ever come across pictures or videos of people naked or touching each other’s genitals or private parts, this is called pornography or porn. These images are for adults, not kids. If you see things like this, you’re not in trouble. I’d like for you to turn off the device or step away from it and let me or a trusted adult know so we can help explain what you’ve seen.”

Tweens and Teens (Ages 11 and up) 

“I want to check-in with you about something. If it feels embarrassing to talk about at first for us, that’s totally normal. It’s about porn. It’s easy to access, so I want to make sure you have some facts especially because it doesn’t show sex, bodies, or relationships in realistic ways. What have you heard about porn?”

The goal is to prepare young people for what they may see or hear, and to be clear with them about the steps to take if they come across sexualized media or if they have questions about bodies or sex. 

What if I find out my child has seen porn?

If your child is curious about, seeking out, or has stumbled across online porn or sexually explicit media, this is not a sign that you have failed as a parent. Consider these steps:

• Take a breath⁠. Sexual behaviors in childhood can be triggering for many adults, especially if you’re a survivor of sexual abuse or trauma. The calmer and less reactive you feel, the better you’re able to respond effectively.
• Reassure them. “It’s totally normal to be curious about bodies and sex. You’re not in trouble.”⁠
• Name it. “Videos or pictures of naked people online are called porn, and porn is not made for children. It can send unhealthy, unsafe, and confusing messages about bodies and sex.”⁠
• Provide safe alternatives. “If you want to learn about bodies or sex, here are some safe options made for your age and to help you learn.”⁠
• Check out the alternatives together. Visit the Pornography section of our site for age-congruent resources⁠.
• Establish new agreements. “I’m going to help you stay safer online by setting up parental controls on the devices you use. This will make it easier for you to stay safe online.” Other options can include identifying the specific times of day or places within the home that device usage can take place. Talking this through together helps them to feel invested in their own safety versus surveillanced or controlled.  
• Help them identify their safety plan. “If you come across porn again or want to learn more about bodies or sex, what can you do?”⁠ 
• Check for understanding. “What questions do you have about this or what you saw? How can I support you?”⁠
• Affirm your experience together. “I’m happy we have the chance now to talk about this.”⁠ And keep the door open for more talks ahead.

If my child watches porn, will they become addicted?

If your young person has accessed porn, they are not deviant, damaged, or an addict. Learning about their exposure or use is an opportunity to start or deepen your conversations about bodies, consent, online safety, and sex.⁠ 

Though watching porn can activate arousal and stimulate the release of neurotransmitters, like dopamine, that cause pleasurable sensations (a reaction that is similar in the brain as when some drugs or food are consumed or when we are enjoying closeness with others) it is not equivalent to chemical dependency.

A person does not become addicted to watching videos or images of people having sex.

Porn use can be a form of escape or as a way to cope with underlying anxiety or depressive symptoms. The root of the issue is not porn. Porn is the distraction for what the person is avoiding or having trouble coping with.

Being clear about this is important. If we use language such as “addiction” when talking about sex or porn, we send a false, shame-based message to young people that they are not in control of their choices and that their curiosities about sex and bodies are wrong. Perspectives like this only distance us from what is truly effective in fostering media literacy, sexual health, and online safety.

What messages should I share when talking to my child about porn?

There are many conversations and teachable moments related to sexualized media. Try not to lecture, as this can lead to a young person tuning you out. Here are a few of many possible points to help a young person develop a critical lens:

• You might find that you enjoy seeing sexual images or you may not. Both feelings can be normal.
• Porn is made for adult entertainment not education. It’s not made for children or young people.
• Porn does not provide an accurate representation of bodies, sex, consent, or relationships. This can be harmful for many reasons, one being that if young people watch it, they may think that these depictions are what’s typical or expected.
• Bodies shown in porn aren’t always representative of natural or diverse bodies. For example, it often features genitals without pubic hair, surgically enlarged breasts or penises, and a lack of diversity in racial identity, genders, sexual orientation, and disabilities.
• Porn often fetishizes BIPOC (Black, Brown, Indigenious, People of Color), women, and disabled folx, categorizing people and sexual experiences based on harmful stereotypes.
• Sexual or intimate relationships require consent to be healthy. This involves trust, respect, communication, and a sense of safety between partners. Porn often does not show this. 
• Porn often does not show safer sex practices like condoms, barrier methods, contraception, or discussions between partners about these.
• Porn often shows violence, abusive language, and dangerous sexual acts, especially toward women. There are ethical versions of porn that can offer healthier depictions of sex for entertainment purposes, but these versions are often not the ones that come up with initial online searches. 
• People who consensually work in the industry of sex work deserve to have safe, equitable employment conditions, to be compensated fairly for their labor, and to be respected. Mainstream, free porn sites do not guarantee safety or ethical treatment for performers. Watching porn that’s not ethically produced supports harmful practices. 
• No one should ever force or coerce another person to consume or participate in sexualized media.  

When young people are made aware of what porn is, who creates it, why it’s concerning for kids to watch, and what to do when they come across it, they’re better prepared to make informed decisions.⁠ Responding in shame-free ways keeps the dialogue open and makes it clear to a child that you are a trusted adult they can count on for support and mentorship along their path.

Resources to Support Talks about Porn and Media Literacy

⭐If you have a 9-15 year old, join us for an upcoming Growing Into You!™: Media & Porn Literacy virtual workshop for families. It provides a fun, shame-free way to learn- alongside other tweens, teens, and parents- the skills that keep kids safer in our digital world.

⭐Check out the free #AskableParent’s Guide to Porn, a collaboration we did with AMAZE. It’s a digital toolkit of videos and downloadable guides for parents and caregivers that support you through how to prepare for and confidently execute talks with kids about porn.⁠

⭐Use the conversation guides created by The Porn Conversation to support comprehensive talks with kids ages 8 and above.

⭐Watch videos made for tweens and teens at amaze.org. They are short, animated, and inclusive with just enough humor to make it fun to learn about online safety and sexual health.⁠

⭐Learn how to foster media literacy skills in children from preschool through the teen years with helpful resources by Common Sense Media.

Make conversations about bodies, consent, relationships, pleasure, online safety, and sex as taboo-free and routine as talking about the weather. By creating a home culture where everyone in it feels safe to express their curiosities and experiences, without shame, you will open up dialogue, encourage connection, and help the young people in your world feel prepared, not scared, along their sexual health journey.  

For a guide made just for parents and caregivers to tackle sexual health talks at every age and stage, check out our bestselling book Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids: A guide to raising sexually healthy, informed, empowered young people.