Should I buy a sex toy for my teen?

-By: Melissa Pintor Carnagey, LBSW-

Buying a sex toy for your teen can sound like a sex positive, shame-free move, but like anything else in parenting, there are several things to consider before taking action:

First, what talks with your teen have you fostered around sex and pleasure leading up to this? If not many, then that’s truly where your focus should be. Establishing an open dialogue with your child about sexual health topics best ensures that their curiosities will come your way as they develop, without internalizing shame. Helping them to make informed choices for themselves, versus trying to control their outcomes, is a key goal in being a sex positive parent.

And when you establish open talks, you’d know whether sex toys are something your teen is even thinking about or interested in. You’d listen to what they know (or think they know) already about them, and identify areas you can supplement their existing understanding. When you acknowledge that sex toys are an option for consenting people, of all genders and sexual orientations, seeking pleasure during solo or partnered sex, it can take the taboo and secrecy out of the topic. Sex toys can be a part of exploring one’s body and pleasure, and it’s important to be open with them about ways exploration can happen without the use of toys as well.

It’s also important to consider your own “why,” particularly if your young person has not expressed an interest in sex toys. If your motivation is rooted in your own early experiences, whether sexually repressed or sex positive, remember that the child you are raising is on their own sexual health journey. Being careful to balance your fears, biases and expectations is key to supporting their unique path. Buying a sex toy for your teen is not the measure of a “cool” or “progressive” parent- maintaining open door communication is.

If it’s established that sex toys are what they want, not what you want for them, then it’s a good idea to talk about other areas to consider:

• their “why”- what’s leading to their interest in them and what have they heard or seen so far;
• the types of toys and proper care, keeping and safety of using them;
• cost and safe options for securing them;
• privacy considerations, on and offline;
• related laws in your area specific to minors. This is not a decision to be taken lightly, or one that another non-parental adult or peer should be making for them or coercing them into.

This isn’t a time for lecturing or interrogation, because sex toys are not a threat, they’re an option, and you want them to feel like they understand any options of interest to them when they feel ready. It also is an opportunity to touch bases about other topics like body image, safety in sexual decision making, relationships and porn. Talking about the many aspects of sexual health allows them to identify their values, comfort levels, needs, wants and fears without shame or secrecy influencing them. They will know that they have a trusted, safe space to land as they explore their bodies, sexuality and the world around them.

When we keep the door open for ongoing sexual health talks and curiosities, normalize pleasure, and focus on helping our teens make informed choices about their bodies, sex and relationships, what we find is that they are better equipped for more confident sexual decision making.

So the real question isn’t “should I buy a sex toy for my teen?” but rather “what talks am I having with my teen to help them understand facts and decide whether sex toys are an appropriate option for them?” The more comfortable a caregiver can become in seeing their most effective role as a mentor versus gatekeeper, the more they’ll find the teen in their life opening up with them. When a young person opens up, it’s an opportunity to be of influence and support their sexual decision making in positive ways.

And no shame at all if you’re feeling a little “out of the loop” when it comes to tackling this topic. There are resources to help. A great sex positive and teen-focused source, with accurate info on topics related to sex toys, masturbation, pleasure and safer sex, is Scarleteen online. And if books are more your jam, founder Heather Corinna authored an excellent one that you’ll want to keep on hand for years to come- S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties.

Remember, knowledge is power and we want our teens to be really powerful. They often need our shame-free help to get there.

For a guide made just for parents and caregivers to tackle sexual health talks at every age and stage, check out our bestselling book Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids: A guide to raising sexually healthy, informed, empowered young people.