Becoming the Sex Positive Parent I Needed

-By Guest Blogger: Sarah Macedo-

Nine months ago, I gave birth to my first child and, as a response, my mind has been swirling with how I want to do things differently than my parents. My partner and I want to foster an environment where conversations surrounding sex and sexuality are the norm.

I wasn’t raised in a home where the topic of sex was hidden necessarily, but there were definitely underlying feelings of shame and guilt that permeated most conversations surrounding sex and the body. Looking back on my childhood, it seems like many memories are just a series of dichotomies. It was fairly normal to see my parents naked while they changed or just walking to the kitchen for a snack. To this day, I have clear images of my mother’s large breasts just hanging in all their glory, right in front of me, while she carried on a conversation about logistics of plans for the weekend; all while putting her bra on.

One morning as I was getting ready for school, my parents were arguing about something in the dining room, and as the oldest child of two, I felt it was my place to be the peacemaker (a trait I later learned was connected to my co-dependency issues). I asked my dad what the argument was about, and without hesitation he pulled me aside and said, “It’s about sex, okay?” I couldn’t have been older than 10 maybe, but it was and still is one of the weirdest childhood memories imprinted on my brain. I flicker between thinking, wow, he was pretty open with me to that is definitely not something he should have been sharing with his child. That is my dad though, and weirdly enough, maybe it was his way of being transparent with me about the realities of his world.

There were so many times I remember my mom putting a maxi pad on her underwear lining, and begrudging the cramps, yet, we never really had conversations about puberty and the changes my body was going to go through. I used to think to myself, that it was impossible to take her seriously when she was naked, yet it was my norm.

The first time I got my period, I remember her buying me a pack of Always brand pads and that was that, really. There was no explanation of what the blood loss was even about or what I could expect for years to come.

Fast forward to my early 20’s, and I unfortunately walked in on my father masturbating to softcore porn, an image that has lived with me ever since. I have tried to forget it, but there are moments in life that just will not go away, for better or worse. I remember I immediately ran to my room after we made eye contact and hid under the covers with the hopes of pretending it never happened. Nice try, Sarah! Next thing I knew he was knocking on my door and asked if I wanted to go get a breakfast burrito, to which I responded, ‘I can’t.I think I have glass in my eye’. I am not sure why I made up that particular lie, which I am sure he knew was false, but I really would have said anything to get him to leave me alone. Again there was never any conversation about that run in after the fact, just serious awkwardness between the both of us for a short time.

My parents, like anyone, were a product of their home environments and the moral judgments surrounding sex that were implanted into them. Both came from homes where one parent was an alcoholic and as a result there was a culture of secrecy. While this may have no direct connection to frank and open discussions on sex, it certainly explains the shame and guilt they both felt and ultimately passed on to me and my sister. I want to make it clear that I am not blaming them for their upbringing, just making observations as I had a first hand experience as their daughter. I also want to honor my own experience and not have to qualify why i feel the way I do.

I often wonder if it means that I believe that they raised me and my sister all wrong or that they screwed us up royally? My inner critic would like me to believe both, that is for sure. Although, I quickly remember, that my partner and I get to decide what is the best course of action for our family, since we are the ones in the trenches, so to speak. It is simple enough to say that my healing is interconnected to my approach with my son and being open with him, but most definitely not when it comes to putting these new approaches into practice. Currently I am navigating this foreboding feeling around the conversations, or possible confrontations, my partner and I may have with our families in relation to our decision to raise our son in a sex positive way’. It’s possible I’m projecting, and as my mother would always say, “don’t go borrowing trouble”, but this is my truth.

Sometimes I wonder, how will they react when and if they hear him explaining what masturbation is, or using the words penis and vulva. I am reminded of my partner’s father, who is a pharmacist by trade, and the time he referred to the family dog’s penis as a “pee pee”. All I could think at the time was, aren’t you a medical professional? I couldn’t help but laugh to myself, and honestly I save that particular memory in my reserves for when I need a good chuckle. In some ways it’s not that different to my own father, who never said “pee pee,” but when he had to say the word penis he whispered it for some reason. I wonder if that was so maybe God would not hear him, but most likely it was his own discomfort with the word.

It is ultimately our responsibility as parents to set the tone for the relationship, as well as having uncomfortable conversations, but man the squirm that happens in my stomach is too real. So if he does mention something like masturbation, or say something that makes myself or others uncomfortable, it will be up to us to set the tone and example moving forward. I want to model that saying penis, or chatting about masturbation is just as blasé as talking about the weather.

I realize the best thing I can do for myself is to start from where I am, which is the beginners’ stage. For me this looks like reading up on topics I am not familiar with and asking a lot of questions. I also try to engage in conversations with my partner frequently about sex, and what it means to us, and we want to move forward. When I change my son’s diaper, I ask him if it’s ok to clean his penis and wipe his anus. While he doesn’t respond just yet, I am not only becoming more comfortable with using these terms but modeling consent for him. While it is difficult to imagine talking about porn, masturbation, and sex toys for example with my son, I know that if I do not have these conversations with him than someone else will.

I think apart of my own internalized anxiety is the gendered belief I have that people with penises are sex-crazed animals who only want to have sex and spread their seed. So when I found out I was having a baby with a penis I was nervous. I understand on an intellectual level that this narrative, that women don’t masturbate as much as men, and need an emotional connection to have sex, has been shaped by our culture and, for some, religion.

I want to share that masturbation is a way to connect with oneself and a great way to prepare for sex with someone else. He can decide later in his life if he disagrees with my views, but for now I am doing the best job that I know how to do.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sarah is a stay at home mom to one son and is currently pursuing her master’s degree in social work at California State University San Bernadino. Learn more about Sarah here.