When Your Child Walks In During Sex

-By: Melissa Pintor Carnagey, LBSW, CLC-

Imagine this scene- it’s been a long day. Work tasks conquered, family is fed, house still has the vibe of the aftermath of a tornado, but everyone is safe, so it’s all good.

With the kiddos in bed, and about an hour left of steam before you tucker out as well, you’re feeling frisky. A few adoring glances with your love, and you can tell they’re feeling it too. To the bed you passionately go! Clothes come off and sheets get ruffled as you feel the warmth of —– “I CAN’T SLEEP!”

Oh crap!! Our kid’s at the doorway!!

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This scene of a child walking in while you’re having sex is one that many parents have either experienced firsthand or feared. In a culture that sensationalizes sex, but dodges comprehensive sex education, how can a parent respond? There are many possibilities, but the focus of this article is on responses that can: 1) support a child’s understanding of healthy sexuality 2) keep the parent-child communication open, and 3) eliminate shame from the equation. Let’s talk about how we can achieve this.

First, we must frame intimacy between caregivers through a sex-positive lens. Parents having sex or sharing intimate time together can be a healthy example of a loving relationship. Children do not need to directly see these acts of sexual connection, but sometimes a child may walk into the space unexpectedly. It happens, and contrary to pop culture’s rhetoric, it’s not a situation that “scars” them.

Try not to panic. Sex is how many humans are created and it is healthy for your children to have an awareness, through early and ongoing sexual health talks that people- even parents, grandparents, and other adults- may have consensual sex that is sometimes for the purposes of reproduction and sometimes just for intimacy.

If your child is old enough to know what is happening, they likely will walk in then back out. They may have a reaction of discomfort, but you can follow-up with them afterward and acknowledge that you were having intimate time together. Let them know that if they have any questions, you’re available to talk further with them. Try not to react in a negative way, and most importantly, don’t lie. Sex is natural and not shameful, so we want to ensure they don’t internalize mixed messages. It’s also a good time to remind them of privacy and any expectations you’ve established in the home for respecting private spaces.

If your child is younger, fight the urge to flee the scene. They may not realize what is happening, and you don’t want to startle, shame or punish them. Stop what you’re doing to gauge what they need, redirect them back to their bed, but no need to draw extra attention as if what you were doing was wrong or inappropriate. If they have questions, you can address them honestly and simply with, “We were enjoying time together being close” or “We were having sex. Sex is something adults can do in privacy together.” Some younger children may also question if one of you were being hurt, and you can reassure them simply that no one was being hurt.

Your reactions and follow-up when your child walks in on you getting it on can be used as a teachable moment for supporting their understanding of topics like privacy and sex. When children are aware that the parents in their life share an intimate connection, it can be affirming and create a sense of safety.

Preparing children for healthy adult sex lives means supporting shame-free talks and ensuring they are aware of the importance of intimacy within adult relationships. Remember, even if you do have an adverse knee jerk reaction in the moment, you can always go back to them afterward and address it from a sex-positive angle. It’s not too late. And if they find themselves seeking therapy as an adult, related to their childhood, chances are high that it won’t be because of that one time they walked in on their parents having sex.

For a guide made just for parents and caregivers to tackle sexual health talks at every age and stage, check out our bestselling book Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids: A guide to raising sexually healthy, informed, empowered young people.