Talking to Kids About Secrets, Privacy, and Surprises

-By; Melissa Pintor Carnagey, LBSW, CLC-

How can we help our children understand the differences between a secret, something that’s private and a surprise? These are in fact different terms with often very different outcomes when applied. The ways in which we frame, model and reinforce these concepts in everyday situations makes all the difference in how our children use them.

In the context of sexual health and safety, here is some helpful language to highlight the differences between the three terms:

Secrets are often meant to be kept quiet for a long time and to protect something that would make people feel unhappy, unsafe or hurt.
- It is not uncommon for young children to playfully whisper to each other or pick-up on quiet conversations they observe adults have, which may be labeled as secrets. Are they harmful? Not always. So how can we help them know the difference? You can talk about secrets in the context of “safe” and “unsafe” secrets, giving examples of unwanted touch, or being made to look at pictures or videos that make them feel uncomfortable, as examples of unsafe secrets. Let them know that if another person tells them to keep something a secret, especially if the person instructs them not to tell their parents, then it is an unsafe secret and must be shared with a trusted adult. Reassure them that it is always okay for them to break a secret or promise when it involves unsafe touch. Ensure they know that no matter who it involves or how long it has gone on, you will always believe them and do what you can to support their safety. Offer examples or role plays to check for understanding. Read books together like, Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept, which can open up the conversation and the door to their curiosities. The more they can recognize the difference between safe and unsafe secrets, the easier time they will have applying the concepts in interactions with others.

Privacy is about respecting a person’s personal space or information. It does not have the outcome of hurting or compromising the safety of another person.
- Helping our children understand privacy often comes up in terms of genitals and confidential family discussions. When they know that genitals like their penis or vulva are kept underneath clothing or underwear when in public, this is an example of privacy. You can explain that not all cultures around the world maintain this kind of privacy, but that American culture (or speaking in the context of your particular cultural norms) does. Exploring with them in what instances nudity versus privacy are comfortable or permissible in your home or culture, can give them the context for understanding how to apply privacy in their lives. This context is also relevant to private time they may spend exploring or touching their own body. Ensuring that they know this is a healthy and normal part of being human, can reduce the presence of shame. Privacy can also be discussed in terms of personal information that may be shared between people. Giving examples of when a talk may be private and how they can honor that for someone is another way the concept of privacy can be framed.
Surprises are kept quiet temporarily then shared with others for a happy or positive result.
- Encouraging the accurate use of the term surprise versus secret, is important and commonly arises in discussions about special events and celebrations like birthdays or gifts. When your home culture keeps consistent language- for example, “We bought a gift for daddy. Let’s not tell him about this surprise until his birthday, so we can enjoy his happy reaction together”- this can help reinforce the time-limited and joyful nature of a surprise versus a secret. Also, encouraging safety around surprises can keep lines clear- for example, unwanted scaring or startling of children within the context of a surprise can create a negative or unsafe correlation. It’s best to keep their understanding of surprises as positive, comfortable and safe.

Make it a habit in your home culture to opt for privacy and surprises over secrets, and when secrets happen, be sure they know if it is a safe or unsafe one. Remind them of who the trusted adults are in their life, that they can share information with, if ever they are asked to keep a secret by anyone. Let them know that if they ever tell someone about unsafe secrets or touch, and that person does not believe them, that they should keep telling other trusted adults until someone believes them. Starting the talks early to make clear these differences can prepare a child for informed choices about the types of communication to have with others and who they can talk to when something feels unsafe or hurtful.

For more information or support around keeping children safer from sexual abuse or unwanted touch, visit Stop It Now!, RAINN or contact your local authorities if your child reports abuse.

For a guide made just for parents and caregivers to tackle sexual health talks at every age and stage, check out our bestselling book Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids: A guide to raising sexually healthy, informed, empowered young people.

Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids is the bestselling guide to creating an open, shame-free connection with the young people in your world.

It’s an inclusive, medically accurate, and comprehensive resource that walks you through over 150 conversation starters, reflection exercises, and activities you can begin implementing at every age and stage to normalize sexual health talks and become the trusted adult we all needed growing up.

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