007: Erica Force | Am I Normal?

{Soft instrumental music plays as introduction} 

{Person speaking} 

Welcome to Sex Positive Families where parents, caring adults, and advocates come to grow and learn about sexual health in a supportive community. I’m your host, and the founder of SPF, Melissa Carnagey. Join me, and special guests, as we dive into the art of sex-positive parenting. Together, we will shake the shame and trash the taboos to strengthen sexual health talks with the children in our lives. Thank you so much for joining us! 

{Same person speaking} 

” Alright so this is a special event, families, normally when I have a guest on the podcast it is done remotely, but this time I am staring… “

{Another voice interrupts} 

“In-person!!!” (laughs) 

Melissa Carnagey: “Yes!!! I am staring at Erica Force, AKA @s.xuallectual which many of you know, and many of you may not, and so I would love to allow you to introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about the journey that brought you to the work you’re doing.” 

Erica Force: “Beautiful. Thank you for having me, and I’m very excited for you to hear my voice, which doesn’t happen often over Instagram so, this is good. Yeah, I started this journey into sex-positivity about 2 ½- 3 years ago. I came from a background of a health career, always looking into the health aspect of being human. I worked for a while in corporate health settings with my undergrad in health administration with a concentration on management. I wasn’t feeling fulfilled and happy in that setting, and it took away a lot of my creativity, and who I was as a person, which is a people person, and a healing person. So I jumped from that and went into finding Sexology and the study of what makes us this dynamic, sexual being which is very misunderstood and under-educated in the field I was working in and exposed to. So finding this when I came to San Antonio, Dr. Melissa Jones who owns Sexology Institute, I showed up and I said: “You’re giving me a job, this is where I’m supposed to be.” And she did, and it flourished from there and she introduced me to Dr. Patty Britton and Sex Coach U, and that’s where I’ve spent the last two years gaining that base of knowledge and education and how do I be a sex-positive educator and ally, and it’s been quite a journey into this. I’m teaching sex-positive education classes at The Sexology Institute in San Antonio, and then in my everyday life influencing whoever I can.”

M.C.:    “And many of you may be connected to Erica’s platform on Instagram @s.xuallectual, I’ve always enjoyed since I started SPF, you’re one of the platforms that I connected to early and everyday. I don’t know where you find all these amazing messages and images that really challenge or advocate for sex positivity it’s an amazing platform to follow if you’re a sex-positive person or you’re interested in sexual health or sex-positivity, definitely follow @s.xuallectual. So we’re going to have some fun today. Over the last couple weeks, we’ve been collecting some questions and it’s all across the theme of “Am I normal?” along sexual health journeys because it’s certainly a journey and a lifetime that starts young, and until the day that you die.”

E.F.: “It never ends.”

M.C.: “Right. So along with that path we sometimes find ourselves asking, “Is what I’m experiencing at that given moment, is that normal? Is what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, is that normal?” And so we want to tackle that, and especially this Valentine’s week because it’s all about love, and who is it that we need to love first before we love anyone else?”

E.F.: “Ourselves.” (laughs)

M.C.: “Absolutely. So this is what we hope to bring you all today as we explore some of these questions and thank you to all of our anonymous folx out there who submitted some questions to us. We really appreciate you trusting us and getting vulnerable and allowing us to explore these things and we hope that the perspectives that we bring today, and the fun that we can bring to it will be informative.”

E.F.: “Beautiful, well said, yes.”

M.C.: “So Erica, go ahead and start us off.”

E.F.: “So let’s get into it. The first question I have coming at us is, “I’m not interested in having multiple orgasms, once I cum I’m done. I feel fulfilled with just the one. Am I normal?” We have so many things out there right now being geared towards multi-orgasmic, which is a lovely thing if that’s your jam.”

M.C.: “If you can do it, and if you can get there, that’s your normal. But what if you can’t?”

E.F.: “Usually about twice is my max, and those ones are really worked for. Sometimes I put off even the first one. I’ll push it off to extend the pleasure.”

M.C.: “Yes, because there can be such an experience leading up to it. I’ve had a lot of moments where I’m like, “No no no, wait” or for my partner, “No, don’t cum yet.” “

E.F.: “That ‘edging’.”

M.C.: “Yeah, and you just really push it. I think in self-pleasure, in masturbation, I’ve been able to have orgasms, more than once, but I was like you said, working for that, and they weren’t at the same peak as that first one, so sometimes it can feel a little draining when it’s not the same reward. I think there were just moments where I was just really horny or just really turned on and I didn’t want it to stop, or I was in a fantasy and I didn’t want that to shut off. So I think there is such a spectrum when it comes to this.”

E.F.: “And also for me, every time I am having sex and whatever that looks like, it’s not always orgasm goal-driven. So for me, if I have an orgasm, that’s really satisfying in that way, but I also have all those different feels. Goodness, think about your five senses and every trigger that you’re going through in that case.”

M.C.: “And you don’t want to sacrifice any of those other pleasurable elements. You don’t want to devalue them and just “have an orgasm” as the goal always. And so that can be a lot of pressure which then can impact if you stay in the moment. Ideally, you don’t want to be laced with anxiety over the experience. So yes, multiple orgasms can be normal and that can be a good experience and there can be techniques that folx can use to try and reach that, and to gauge whether they can, and also doesn’t have to be everyone’s normal.”

E.F.: “Fulfilling in different ways.” 

M.C.: “Right. You’re totally normal.” 

E.F.: “You’re totally normal. It’s not about performance. It’s about pleasure. Sometimes I’ve gotten caught up in my orgasm being a performance of “Well, look what I accomplished, out here I came out of this with 1, 2 how many orgasms did you have?” Well if I didn’t have any does that devalue what we just did? No, because I am very satisfied, and I didn’t orgasm.”

M.C.: “Like for me, clitoral stimulation is where it’s at for me. I think, maybe one time I experienced G-spot oriented orgasm, but that’s not the usual, that’s not normal. That’s not something that’s happening through penetrative, oral sex or anything like that. It’s not always about the clitoral stimulation. We were talking earlier separately about anal, anal play…” 

E.F.: “Mmm, my favorite!” 

M.C.: “So it’s like you may not reach orgasm with some of the different ways in which you pleasure, or play either with self or with partners, so yeah this whole multiple orgasm thing…” 

E.F.: “The fun in exploring. I love to explore myself, my partners- in whatever it may be. My first instinct isn’t to go towards an orgasm or to cum. It’s ‘how does this feel for you right now? Are you enjoying yourself?’ If so, that’s great, let’s continue and wherever that leads or ends I’m good with that.” 

M.C.: “Okay, now you’ve got me thinking about nipples” 

E.F.: (Laughs) “Nipples!”

M.C.: “I love nipple stimulation…” 

E.F.: “For yourself? For your partner?” 

M.C.: “For myself, and my partner too. Yes, my current partner, we do nipple play and it’s together. But I don’t orgasm alone to nipple stimulation, that hasn’t happened for me. If I was just focusing on needing to orgasm I would potentially miss out on all that’s so pleasurable and so heightening associated with getting my nipples sucked.” (laughs) 

E.F.: “Yes! Yes! Now, I had a question, kind of backtracking a little bit. When you are playing with your clitoris are you mostly hands? Do you like toys? Both?” 

M.C.: “I am all about my hands. I am… Not need… but I definitely have started contemplating, I have had toys before, but I love a good dick. I love dick, and I love my own hands…”

E.F.: “She loves dick! Did we get that?” 

M.C.: (shouts) “I love dick!!! And my hands, and so I just haven’t been able to get into all the toys. But I also haven’t explored a whole lot, maybe four toys in my lifetime that I’ve experimented with. What about you?”

E.F.: “There are so many things out there, and if you’re someone who feels that way of going in and actually, okay now what is this one do? Why do I want this? What is asking to achieve for me? That’s hard to do, just looking at things. So because of working at Sexology Institute, they have a display of all of their toys. And you can test them out. You can try the different functions, and everything like that. Once I actually started playing with toys, in that aspect, I was able to figure out their value and placement in the bedroom. Do I have a toy every time? No. I still masturbate with my hands. I still love the feel of my hands. The only thing that is an absolute staple, is lube.” 

M.C.: “Yeah? Now, are you saying alone, solo?”

E.F.:  “Everywhere, all the time, anything.”

M.C.: “What am I missing with solo lube?”

E.F.: “So for me, and I really like the brand Loveability, I use their ‘Hallelubeyah’ lube, which is aloe-based. The texture feels like my vaginal mucus and so it’s cushion-y. It does dissipate because it is a water/aloe base and it doesn’t stay like silicone, but for me silicone, when self-pleasuring, is too slippery and it doesn’t give that contact I like. 

M.C.: “I think that for me, I like the friction, I like that even when I’ve been in the shower, I like when it’s in a dryer setting as a preference. And because I’m not inserting into myself, not inserting my fingers into myself, it’s over, it’s on top of the clitoris. So I guess I have to think about this.”

E.F.: “Do you use your spit? Do you lick your fingers?”

M.C.: “I don’t. Like I literally don’t need…”

E.F.: “Ok, that’s normal.” (laughs)

M.C.: “You’re going to have to show me (laughs) what it is that I am missing. These other ways that I could be, because I totally have a technique, and I’ve just been using it my whole life.”  

E.F.: “So when I started really trying to explore squirting, that was something that appealed to me, but I needed to do it by myself, and I would start in the shower. Because everything would wash away and because the sensation does feel like you’re urinating, that’s what always stopped me and held me back because other than vaginal mucus and urine, what else splurts out of your vagina like that? So that was where I started, was in the shower and it was a really good way to segway into that kind of play. And then bringing it into a bedroom setting, sheets, blankets, everything, then I got more comfortable. But I still get hung up on it sometimes.” 

M.C.: “I need to take one of your classes obviously. (laughs) Good thing it’s not far from me.”

E.F.: “So figuring out and learning your own way of touching yourself and what feels best to you, is going to be completely individualized. So for me using the lube when self-pleasuring, or a water-based or my spit or something gives me a little bit of cushion and still some contact friction.”

M.C.: “Ok, Ok. Well alright, I think we probably TMI’ed that one (laughs) but that’s ok. There is no such thing here on the SPF Podcast. What’s the next question?”

E.F.: “Next question: In all anatomy depictions of penises, they’re straight, but mine curves down. Am I normal?”  

M.C.: “Mmmm…”

E.F.: “She likes dick!” (laughs)

M.C.: (laughs) “Yeah, so, I like a good dick, and I am good with curving. Now, I will share a story. When I was younger, I was not aware, and this speaks to parents and caring adults why it is so important to have open conversations with your young people because I was not aware. I grew up with a sister, I didn’t have brothers, so I wasn’t aware that penises are curving in some ways that I later found that they were curving. So when I had my first experience with a curved penis, it was a little further into my journey, and this thing took a very sharp left…”

E.F.: (laughs)

M.C.: “I am not even joking. It was a thinner penis, and it took a very sharp left. And I didn’t have a heads up. And so at the moment I was like, “wait for a second, wait, what?” “

E.F.: “What do I do?”

M.C.: “Yeah! And in that instance the condom that the person had, again another moment that this is why it’s important to talk to our young people, right? All gendered young people, if they’re going to have penetrative sex, make sure that they are aware of how to use condoms. If they have condoms accessible to them, that they are not dependent on one partner bringing the condom into the scenario. I later realized the condom that that person brought into the scenario was aged. We don’t want it to be like fine wine or like cheese. This needs to be a fresh condom that is not expired. And so what ended up happening both with the fact was that his penis was so curved, which is totally fine. But he lacked, and I lacked, the communication skills behind talking about these things, so I didn’t speak up and say anything at that moment. We just didn’t have that level of intimacy but we were doing something very intimate, right? How many of us have done that, right?  So then when this condom, this dried-up aged condom, tries to then go on to this penis that is very curved and then tries to go into my vagina, which is not very curved then we’re creating some friction. We didn’t have lube at all so it ended up not being a comfortable experience for me. And then I remember being in the shower afterward and there were pieces of the condom that were stuck within my vagina and I was having to extract them from my vagina… So needless to say, Plan B was on deck that morning…” 

E.F.: “Right! Wow, yes…” 

M.C.: “Boy, I didn’t know we were going to get into this but this more of a cautionary tale. This isn’t about the fact that the penis was curved, there are other elements involved. This is about communication, confidence, comfort level with your own body and knowing that there is diversity when it comes to bodies- so yeah.” 

E.F.: “I have the same thing but in an uncircumcised penis. Every depiction I have ever seen on penises were circumcised. Then I get to my first uncircumcised penis, and then I am like, wait how do I do this- am I going to hurt you? How do I work with this? How does putting on a condom differentiate between circumcised and uncircumcised…  we weren’t communicating, we weren’t talking about it. We were just doing the motions.” 

M.C.: “I feel like a good take away for this question is A) Yes you’re normal because, again, normal is really about yourself. Now, if your genitals are causing you physical discomfort then that’s a whole separate thing, but if it’s just the fact that you have a curved penis, right? It’s very common that penises are not just going straight ahead. And that it’s really just about feeling confident and owning your body as it is.” 

E.F.: “Here, let me show you how to slide onto that left curve!” 

M.C.: “Hey now! Yes! Yes! Even in oral sex. If a person is going to give you oral pleasure. If you’re more confident as you are and comfortable just as you are and as you present. What a beautiful experience you can have with a partner, not bringing that anxiety into it. But it takes work, it takes time. You getting to know your penis and loving your penis as it is. Spend some time with that penis and own it!” 

E.F.: “Very good. The next one is: I like masturbation way more than I like sex.” 

M.C.: “Hmm anyone else? Anyone else out there- you like masturbation more than sex?” 

E.F.: “Hmm… Situational? Totally depends, I think there are times where I become so saturated with sex because of what I do and see every day, that I sometimes retreat to just being with myself because that’s what it feels like I need in that time, so I am less sexual with my partners and it’s just about me. Which they can aid in that and mutual masturbation is so much fun! And leaving something out for me, to remind me or set up a fantasy for me. So I think it depends on the time.” 

M.C.: “I think that for obvious reasons right, it’s a different experience when it’s just yourself. That can feel empowering. That can feel safe. Potentially that can feel less maybe anxiety-producing or less judgmental. Again I’m just throwing out things, and it could feel but it doesn’t have to feel any of these things or all of these things. So they can be safe with being with and for and about yourself. Then with sex, there are so many different kinds of sex you can have with partners, not just about a penetrative experience. And so I would be curious with this person, asking what is your definition of sex? What does sex mean, and what does that look like for you? What kinds of sex have you explored? Which have you enjoyed? What type have you not so much? Because I would be curious if your feelings may be associated with the types of sexual experiences that you have had if that’s informed your feeling about it.” 

E.F.: “And masturbation being your go-to isn’t a bad thing. That is wonderful. You know exactly how to touch yourself, love yourself and that’s a beautiful thing and should be celebrated. I agree, sex of all different aspects and forms. Oooh, exciting!” 

M.C.: “Yep, so yet again, totally normal!”

E.F.: “Totally normal. Ooo fun one! One of my boobs is a cup larger than the other…

M.C.: “Whaaaat?!” (laughs) 

E.F.: “I think you were saying earlier if you have the same size titties you might be on the other end of the spectrum…” 

M.C.: “Right? We jokingly, we’re like you’re abnormal if your boobs are the same size, and your nipples are aligned and the same size… Who’s that?!” 

E.F.: “And the same color…I wanna see them!” 

M.C.: “And we know, we are getting older. I just remembered that I’m 37 and not 38 this morning so I am a little younger than I thought this morning! I thought I was a little older but even still at 37, after two children, you know my body has changed. It’s not the same body as far as my breasts especially, than it was when I was 18… or 17 before I had my first child.” 

E.F.: “You mean you haven’t found the fountain of youth yet to keep everything intact?!”

M.C.: “No, no…It looks really young on the outside but then I take my clothes off. And It looks like a cat was like “MEOW, MEOW” You know I’ve got some stretch marks going down. Yes, my boobs like they inflated and then they deflated so yeah…”  

E.F.: “Which is beautiful because you’re creating a whole life, so to come out after that… I love stretch marks, for me, it’s like yeah my ass grew a little too big, too fast!” 

M.C.: “I have some on my knees from growing up as a child, stretching taller. We have these amazing marks on our bodies that help remind us of our journey. I joke with my kids when they like to have leg pains or whatever and I was like yeah because you’re not going to be this size forever and they just laugh. But our breasts, you know even without childbirth being involved, and even with men and their breasts. It is normal.”

E.F.: “The same goes for testicles and labia. different sizes one bigger than the other ones differently shaped…” 

M.C.: “There’s hair, there’s no hair…” 

E.F.: “Right! If it’s patchy. I get ingrown hairs like crazy, so that’s something I fight against, and that’s totally normal. I don’t look like a porcelain vulva, yeah no.” 

M.C.: “I had both my children naturally so you know your vulva starts to get personality, so it has a story to tell. And with our breasts too, some bumps can present themselves, or beauty marks, or moles, there’s so much amazing variation. And then yes, you could be someone who decides that they want to get them, you know either reconstructed, or they want to add to them or take away from them, and then maybe yes in that sense, you can create them into something that they weren’t originally. You know we talk about porn a lot in these conversations about sexual health and so then that’s where sometimes pornography can project some messages about bodies that are not always the norm. They are not always what we would naturally see because maybe they’ve been enhanced because they’re putting on a production. And that’s unfortunate in the sense that that can put off an unrealistic expectation.”

E.F.: “That’s what I really love about watching amateur porn, is that you’re getting real bodies moving together, real sounds. I get very turned on by that factor, that raw animalistic kind. Here it is: uneven boobs, uneven testicles, what? Pimple on the butt (laughs) you know?”

M.C.:   “Because now I feel like you can kind of see yourself in that scenario, or with that couple or orgy or whatever and it feels more relatable. These are great questions!”

 E.F.: “Yes, I like it! Ok, the next one is: I’m not a lesbian but I like to watch lesbian porn. Speaking of porn I think that’s a good one to segue into. You know, I’ve been to the strip club a few times, and what I love about watching women move is that I am a woman myself, and I can relate to those things. I can feel that, so in watching women on women, female on female porn, I think you can just relate so much to what’s happening. And that sensuality, whatever is coming through for you vs. heterosexual porn.”

M.C. “Right, or man on man.”

E.F.: “Yeah, I don’t have a penis, I’ve worn a strap-on and that’s the closest I get to a penis, which is a lot of fun, I do love that. There are times when I’ll just have it on and walk around the house, just to feel what it’s like to have something like that between my legs, and a different appendage of my body. On the other side of things, loving and owning, feeding into watching females, two women or multiple women together is really fascinating.”

M.C.: “Yeah, I think that as a person of the same sex or identity, sometimes there can exist an empathy or an understanding of what the experience of being in that type of body is, so when you then seek to pleasure someone else who may have similar body or experience or parts, I think sometimes there can be more of an awareness, of what the sensations are like, what it feels like to receive, so there sometimes can be more of an attentiveness, just the nuances.” 

E.F.: “I’ve learned more about my vagina when I’m with a woman than at any other time. I’ve been able to explore those persons, and mine and because everything feels generally the same, and you’re very familiar with it. I’ve been able to find different areas of my vagina and stimulate that, that I would not have done and explored had I not been doing that to someone else and finding that it triggered something in them and I got a response. And I was like “Oh!”

M.C.  “Such a good point. Because however flexible you might be, being able to really get down there and get face-to-face with your vulva or your penis is very hard (laughs).” 

E.F.: “I do my own at home wax, and it is the most difficult, I have to have one of my partners do my rear, and wax my ass for me because I just can’t reach that (laughs).”

M.C.: “Yeah, so I would think that to me it makes sense that that can be very enjoyable. And it has nothing to do with assumptions about sexuality for the person. This goes for men as well. No, this is the beauty of sex and intimacy and closeness and connection and bodies and nakedness, nudity and desire. All of these elements exist for human beings. And to be open enough to be able to appreciate and enjoy that minus labels is freeing. So yes, okay so this one, totally normal and almost with a homework assignment. (laughs)”

E.F.: “Ooh yeah, do it!”

M.C.: “Yeah, a homework assignment is to get out there as you feel most comfortable. If you’re open to or you find yourself just sticking to maybe the same kind of porn and you’re interested or open to porn, to begin with. I’m not trying to force anyone into something they aren’t down with or interested in. This is for the folx that are interested in porn. Go take a peek at that category that you may have been holding back on going in, allow yourself shame-free, the ability to explore pleasure and see it as an essential experience. And if you get in there, and you don’t like it you can turn it off. You can move it out it says nothing about your character, your sexuality, these labels. Nope, you’re just someone who appreciates pleasure and you want to maximize it for yourself.” 

E.F.: “For me, there are different ranges of media for this, so my pornography ranges from video, audiovisual, to reading, to fantasy in my head, then to writing my erotica out. For me, that taking it from my mind and putting it on paper and seeing it, by the end of it I’m dripping and just turned on by reading what I have just written out.” 

M.C.: “That is super creative, you’re like really creative. I’ve never…I feel… Do you do a course on that?”  

E.F.: “No, I don’t but I should, that’s a great suggestion.” 

M.C.: “I think that would be a really cool process for someone and to take back that control you know? And write your own narrative, your own story.”

 E.F.: “My partner and I would write back and forth. There was a period of three months where we only had back and forth written communication and we would write to each other erotica. And it was just like a different way of visualizing and connecting when you are unable to connect. Because I mean you’re looking at someone’s handwriting, right? A different, intimate way of going about it.”

 M.C.: “Which our society is kind of moving away from you know?”

E.F.: “We don’t have handwriting classes anymore, right? That’s out. So I appreciate that, and the effort it took for someone to write it out… I mean now I know… (inaudible).”

M.C.: “Holy cow, so totally normal! And homework assignment for you this Valentine’s whether with a partner or solo or many partners, consider writing yourself or to your partner’s some erotica. Don’t just necessarily speak out what that fantasy might be, you know, write it down and share it and find safety and comfort in that. And encourage, if you’re in a partner scenario, encourage your partner to do the same so it’s like an elevated love letter.”

E.F.: “Definitely, and one of the things I want to touch on with fantasy and writing out erotica is generally when we tell people what our desires are, it can get kind of confusing as to what we want to act out and actually have to happen versus just keeping in a fantasy, fun, charged up environment. So definitely with that if you’re creating and writing out a fantasy for your partner, let them know I’m sharing this because I’m just turned on by what is created in my mind.”

M.C.: “That’s such a great point. It’s not about threatening the safety within a relationship or any agreement that you all have come to, so I love to bring that up in a pre-discussion, so do not necessarily surprise them with it beforehand… depending on your type of relationship. Make it fun and create some ground rules, so it can be awesome. I think we have time for one more…”

E.F.: “One more, oh we’re going to go into this: a rape fantasy; is it normal? So I will go into one of my fantasies that have not been played out. I desire a break-in scenario or an abduction scenario where I do not know who anybody is and I am taken captive, basically.” 

M.C.: “By a stranger?” 

E.F.: “By a stranger.” 

M.C.: “This is a gang of strangers?” 

E.F.: “A gang of strangers, yes. And I’ve already talked to my partner about this desire, and we have already had a pre-discussion about if you are to conduct this I need to know that when someone breaks into my house, I’m not going into fight mode… well, that’s part of the adrenaline, going into fight or flight mode. But I don’t need to have an understanding that this is our fantasy being played out. So we have a safe word and if I hear that then I know “Alright let’s go! Don’t take me!” (laughs) 

M.C.: “Wow, do you have outfits already earmarked for this or? Is that part of your visual at all?”

E.F.: “No, I’ve never thought about outfits, just for them to be unnoticeable to me. I don’t have anything that way. I think it’s more of an idea that kept up to whatever interpretations going to happen at the moment because you have to kind of roll with the punches. You can fantasize about these things all you want but in actual you can’t guess what’s going to happen in these scenarios.” 

M.C.: “So that’s the thing I guess that our society has to grapple with. You know you are not seeking to be raped. You’re not, what you’re doing by creating a fantasy- this is controlled to a degree, right? It’s a plan and it’s controlled and there’s a lot of communication involved. There’s a lot of coordinating and respect and consent, like consent is the number one thing there because you know you’re saying that this is something that I desire this is a yes. At any point again with your safe word, it can shift and everyone involved will be ready to stop right then. So this is not rape in the real sense that you know, that we think of rape because rape would indicate that there isn’t consent involved, that it is not controlled, that it’s not about communicating and respect, right? So I think if we can make those clear delineations through communicating about it and making it safer in society to talk about these things and these nuances to me it’s very black and white. When you have a fantasy vs an actual rape or sexual assault experience… But that’s not what you’re seeking.” 

E.F.: “Exactly, that’s right, not at all.” 

M.C.:  “For me personally, I like to be in control, so when I think about a rape scenario for me I think that that is something that I end up having to kind of process, you know? Because I really would have to make sure that I felt really confident and really safe in the experience and that I could relax into the experience.” 

E.F.: “Would it be different for you if it wasn’t like an anonymous person?”

M.C.: “That’s a really good question, as I’m thinking about it… But yeah, maybe if it was somebody that I knew and that you know then things shifted in that experience in that at that moment you know but it’s someone that I already had a relationship with… that’s a good point.” 

E.F.: “For me to clarify, I know them but I don’t know that they are them. They are anonymous to me. I trust them and know them. I am choosing not to know who they are in that situation.”  

M.C.: “But I don’t know that, that I know who they are ultimately. Yeah and that’s a situation again, either way, the word fantasy again, like this is a constructed event. There’s purpose and intention behind it that all parties are aware of. Where if it’s an actual rape scenario all parties are not informed and on the same page throughout the experience. There’s the issue of power and control.” 

E.F.:   “I wish there was a better word for that type of fantasy. The different language around it…”

M.C.: “And there may be… if anyone knows, let us know. Alright, so rape fantasies are normal.” 

E.F.: “If it’s consented, agreed upon and communicated with your autonomy.” 

M.C.: “So we went over all of these questions and we see a theme right?” 

E.F.: “Everybody is their individual and whatever it is if you’re not hurting yourself or others it’s normal, yeah.” 

M.C.:  “I hope we didn’t disappoint anyone if somebody was hoping to hear that they’re not normal. There are so many spectrums in the topic of sexual health and that’s right at the heart of what we both do. On our platforms and our work is to shake the shame, trash the taboos and get people more comfortable in their sexuality and those things we often repress that we think may not be normal. Last thing I want to ask you- what does sex-positivity mean to you?” 

E.F.: “For me, when I think about it, it’s more of a feeling and that’s something that I hope is conveyed through my social media platform. Is that feeling because sex-positive is going to mean something different for each individual and whatever that is for you I want that celebrated. And I do use the content that’s there, I spend hours just going through multiple different things to pinpoint and have that feeling come across. It moves me and I hope it moves someone else and that’s that for me.” 

M.C.:  “Well you’re hitting it out of the park when it comes to that. And it’s a platform that people can count on to connect to their sexuality without that shame. What projects do you have going on for 2018?” 

 E.F.: “Building on the Sexuallectual. What that is, and where I can go from here. I find myself… I tried to do a Facebook page of it and it just isn’t- it’s not jiving with me so I feel like I have to get off of that. And I love my Instagram.  Seeing and coming up with a logo that I’m having done and so I think it’s just those little fun things for me that makes a big impact. Yeah I don’t have a website and I’m okay with that for now but that may change in this development for 2018 but I’m always doing classes at Sexology Institute in downtown San Antonio every Wednesday.” 

M.C.: “Give us a taste of what some different topics are.” 

E.F.: “I just taught a class on anal which is an absolute riot and let me tell you, if you come to my class it is a comedic hour of just laughing and breaking down the walls of the taboo subjects. For me laughter is key, I like to make a joke of myself because I’ve been through a lot of different situations. But we’re doing orgasm classes, how to enhance for males and females.  And sensual touch, we don’t get enough touch. There are all those different aspects but they have a whole calendar that you can look at.”  

M.C.: “Can folx work with you privately?” 

E.F.: “They can. The best way is to get through either DM or then Instagram @s.xuallectual or you can email me at erickajamesforce@gmail.com. Those are the ways you can connect with me and work with me individually.”

M.C.: “Well, this has been so great. With podcasting we usually can connect on audio but Erica was insistent that we meet in person. And I love that so much. That connection is so important. We’re not that far away from each other so we had a wonderful lunch/brunch whatever you would call it, right? Experience and food are part of triggering those wonderful senses instead of just on social media. Behind the computer and phones, it’s so important I really appreciate you and I feel like it is just the beginning of more things that we can do together. And I encourage all of you to connect with @s.xuallectual on IG, Instagram. So that you can, if you haven’t already benefited from the content that she’s putting out there. And if any of you are ever or are in the San Antonio area definitely check out a course. Hit me up if you’re going to go to a course and maybe I’ll come too and we can make a plan out of it if nothing else!” 

E.F.: “Thank you so much! I appreciate you having me on the podcast!”  

{ Person Speaking } 

             “If you like this episode of the podcast, please leave a review on iTunes or Google Play, so more people can find us. And you can always visit us at our website www.sexpositivefamilies.com. There you can shop sex-positive swag in our online store, connect with us across our social media platforms and join our Facebook community and learn more about resources to help support sexual health in your family. Until next time I’m Melissa Carnagey, thank you for supporting content that strengthens sexual health talks in families.”